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I answer a lot of emails from people with really difficult problems in their marriage, especially about sex. I'm publishing some of my answers in case these may help you. Feel free to email me some of your own questions, too!
Scroll down to read the answers to these questions:
1. I love my husband, but I just don't want sex very often. I really need affection, though, but he thinks every bit of affection has to lead somewhere. Help! Thanks so much for your letter and your honesty. Let me start by saying that what you're feeling is PERFECTLY NORMAL. In fact, probably most women go through that. But just because most women may encounter this doesn't make it any less stressful! When you and your husband have different levels of sexual desire, the conflict can be very difficult. Here are some things you can keep in mind to help you bridge the gap: 1. Is this mostly a physical issue? You mentioned feeling tired. Are there things you can do to ensure that you aren't as tired when you go to bed? You can try retiring earlier, initiating sex at a time of day when you're more awake, cutting back on outside activities or work commitments, if possible, or just trying to weed out unimportant things from your schedule. Remember that your marriage is probably the best investment you have right now. The more you can do to make it fun, fulfilling and intimate now, early in your time together, the more you will enjoy each other later. 2. Are you enjoying sexual intimacy? It often takes a couple even a decade to get acquainted enough with what each other likes that sex simply isn't that pleasurable for women. The earth doesn't move, so to speak. But be patient; likely with time you will enjoy intimacy more. Don't give up! Find out what you do like and find ways to communicate this to your husband. You don't have to say it out loud if you're shy; even moving his hand somewhere can give him the message. Another exercise that can prove helpful in getting acquainted with each other's bodies is to give yourselves an hour when all you do is touch each other. There's no sex at all; that can come later if you want, but not for a full hour. As he touches you, you can let him know what feels best. And then you can do the same thing to him. Find out how he likes to be touched. Men tend to like to be touched much rougher than women do, and men may not realize that women need a softer touch than men do. So try some exercises where you're just getting used to each other, without the pressure of actually making love. 3. This is going to sound difficult, and I know that women often have trouble with what I'm about to say. But for men, sexual intimacy really is a need, whereas cuddling is optional. For women, the opposite is the case. Women often have difficulty understanding that men really do need sex in a physical sense. If they do not get release, their bodies will do it for them in their sleep. They were created that way. That does not mean that you are required to satisfy his every desire! Of course not. But it does mean that women have to think about men in a different way. This is something that he actually needs. It sometimes feels weird making love when you don't really want to. It's as if you're being fake, or even, in extremes, as if you're being emotionally blackmailed into it, and that's not a good situation at all. But if we can acknowledge that men do need sex at least somewhat regularly, then you can turn it into a game. Instead of asking yourself, over and over, "do I really want to tonight?", you can say to yourself, "what can I do to give him a really good time?" Dare yourself to make him feel great. That puts the pressure off of your own sex drive. Quite often women's sexual response doesn't kick in until we've made that emotional commitment to make love, and if you make love out of obligation, that may never happen. If you make love to sweep him off of his feet, though, it can be a fun experience even if you're not doing it for your own enjoyment. And he'll like the fact that you want to make him happy. As you get more used to this, too, you'll probably find yourself enjoying it more. 4. Remember, too, that men tend to be more cuddly after they make love. If you need affection, you have two choices. You can wait for him to give it to you (which may take a long time), or you can make love and likely get it right away. It feels wrong, because women may not understand why he doesn't need cuddling, too. But that's the nature of marriage. The more you give, the more you get. If you wait to get, you'll likely never receive what you're waiting for. Finally, hang in there. I know this seems like a huge mountain to climb, when you just don't see how your sex drive can increase, and sex, which you once thought would be so fun, now seems like a burden. But for most couples, this is only a stage. Remember that investing in your marriage pays incredible dividends down the road. So let him know what you like, get the rest you need, and dare yourself to make him feel great. You'll likely find that once you do that, you get that love, affirmation, and cuddling you so desire, and your husband will feel like the luckiest man on earth.
Wow, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with, with a new baby demanding your attention and finding about your husband's pornography use. Let me start by saying that you seem to obviously love your husband and are committed to him, which is wonderful. Your baby will definitely benefit from that! That being said, you said that "you understand about fulfilling his needs still". This is obviously important for women to remember, but if I can take a step back, his biggest need is for a good relationship with you, his child, and God. Using pornography is going to wreck all three. To help fulfill his needs, then, also involves helping him stop using pornography. It's very right for you to be upset! Pornography is dangerous because it rewires the brain to believe that what is sexy is anonymous sex, rather than the relationship. It makes sex physical, rather than about emotional intimacy. Soon it loses the ability to cause emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy loses the ability to cause any sexual feelings. In fact, while he's making love to you he may even have to fantasize or picture pornography in his mind to become aroused. This will ultimately wreck your sex life. It has been found tht men who use internet pornography actually lose their sexual desire for their wives. Talking to him about this is very important. Consider viewing some of the Marriage Uncensored shows together, including the 1st season #121 and 122, and 2nd season - #214, 209, 215. Go to www.marriageuncensored.com These books are also very good: Every Man's Battle, by Steve Arterburn, Pure Desire and Betrayed Heart by Ted Roberts. If he is addicted to pornography, I think asking him to go for counselling or telling him that he cannot have both the internet and you could be advisable. Pornography is just about the same as having an affair, and we wouldn't permit that either. Then, if he does stop using the internet, make sure you make sex as fun for him as possible. Romance him. Initiate sometimes, even when you're tired from the baby. Have fun together. Let him know he still excites you. But make sure that your lovemaking is separate from his pornography, not part of him acting something out, or it will just escalate the problem. Also know that you're not alone. This is becoming a huge problem and wrecking many marriages. It doesn't need to, though, and I pray that you will find ways of talking about this and dealing with it together so that you can both feel loved and cherished in your marriage.
3. I have been torn up about feelings I have toward a stranger. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and cannot understand how this other person can have this effect on me. How can this happen when I am so happy in my marriage?
First, let me say that just because you have feelings for someone does not mean that you are being unfaithful to your husband. We can't always control what our mind thinks.
What we can do is try to channel what we do with those feelings. It is a natural thing to notice other people. The question is what you do then. There are two things you can concentrate on: trying to minimize these feelings, and then trying to maximize feelings about your husband. Let's deal with the first thing first. You've said you have already fled, and that's great. You've removed yourself from temptation, and that's a wonderful thing. The next thing you can do is, whenever these feelings come, try to fill your mind with something else. Remember a great memory that you had with your husband, and play it out in your head. Think about a wonderful time you had with your children (if you have any), and play that out. Think about your family right now, and the fun that you do have with them. If you can choose five or six memories that make you laugh, that are very special to you, or that are very steamy with your husband, think about those. Try to banish the other man from your thoughts. Then you need to find ways to think about your husband more. Sometimes we begin to think about other people when our own relationships have grown stale or predictable. We want something new, we want to be swept off of our feet! How can you get that again with your husband? Make a special effort to date him again. Go out just the two of you. Spice up your sex life again, and make some new memories. Try to pursue your husband again, and you may find him pursuing you right back. What is it that you are attracted to with this person? Is it a deep emotional attachment? Is it a physical attachment? Whatever it is, see if you can create it at an even deeper level with your husband. As I'm sure you know from the tone of your letter, your best chance at happiness is with your husband, not with this man. So have a great time with him, and you'll likely find that these feelings will start to pass. Finally, I'm not sure if you're a religious person or not, but think about praying whenever you start to think about the man. If those thoughts come, take them to God and ask Him to give you amazing feelings about your husband in their place. Remember that on earth even Jesus was tempted; He just resisted. It isn't wrong to be tempted, and God is there to help you have the best marriage you can. 4. My husband and I had our children young and we got married before the second one was born. At one point he left because he didn't have feelings for me anymore. Later I found out he was with another woman. We have been back together for a while now, but what can i do to stop nagging on him for something that's done and over with? My marriage is being ruined.
You said, near the end of your message, "what can I do to stop nagging him for something that's done and over with?". I think the solution has to hinge on the premise underlying this question. In other words, is this something that's over and done with?
Let me try to deal with this first. In order for it to be something that is over and done with, your husband has to have acknowledged that what he did was wrong, and promised that he never will again. He also has to give you some assurances that it will not happen again, which I'll get to in a moment. The fact that you're still quite upset about this says that, perhaps, your husband has not assured you that it won't happen again. Unfortunately, many men who do have affairs will have more than one affair. This isn't a guarantee, but does often occur. You need him to be faithful both for yourself and for the safety and security of your children. That's only natural. If I can suggest a book to you, James Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough addresses marriages like yours where one spouse has had an affair, and suggests ways that you can act so that he must either make the choice to stay faithful and be a loving husband or to leave. There is no middle ground. You wouldn't want a man who is a philanderer. I really got a lot out of that book, and I would certainly recommend it. I would also suggest that you put some hedges around your marriage so that an affair is more difficult. Talk to your husband about things he could do to put your concerns and fears at rest. Perhaps it means that you are allowed to call him at work at any time of day (though not hounding him several times a day, obviously!) without incurring his wrath. Maybe it means that he agrees that he won't eat lunch with female coworkers, or that he won't be alone with another woman. Maybe it means ending friendships that he may be maintaining with former girlfriends. Perhaps it means that he does less with the guys for a time and you do more things together as a couple. Indeed, going out as a couple and rebuilding your relationship is also important in healing. Finally, you may want to ask him to make sure that he is not using pornography, going to any strip clubs, or doing anything that gets him interested in women other than you. That being said, if he is unwilling to commit to change, or thinks that you're over-reacting, talk to him calmly about your fears and ask him what he would suggest that you do together to work through them. Go to a counsellor? Talk to a pastor? Tell him that you desperately want the relationship to work, but you can't do that until you have rebuilt the trust. If he is willing to do these things, and if he does speak to a counsellor with you, it is up to you to trust him again. It is foolish to trust someone who has not earned it and is not interested in earning it. That is not trust; that is blind faith, and it is a dangerous position to put yourself and your children in. However, if he is sorry for what he did and if he is taking steps to rebuild the marriage, you must also promise not to grill him so much on what happened. You must let it drop as well. Hardest of all, you must forgive. This may take time. Often full healing from an affair takes several years. It is not something that is over with and dealt with in a few weeks. You only put down your defenses little by little. This is probably wise. But at some point, if he has committed to the relationship, you also need to make the decision that you will forgive and put it behind you. If, on the other hand, he does not seem willing to talk to you about these things, or to take steps in his own life to try to rebuild your trust, I might question whether he really is committed to the relationship. I think talking to someone else, such as a counsellor or a pastor, is a good idea, even if you have to go alone. That person can hear more of the details of your relationship and will be in a better position to advise you whether or not you should completely trust him again. Finally, you mentioned that your husband originally left because he had lost feelings for you. That must have been such a rejection! At the same time, if you are willing to forgive and forge ahead with your marriage, you may need to ask some difficult questions of yourself: what was my husband not getting from the marriage? How can I become the kind of wife I want to be? When you're married and you have young children, it is easy for the spouse to come last. I am not in any way blaming you for your husband's leaving--please understand. I am only saying that for your marriage to be as good as it can be it needs to a two-way street. He makes a commitment to you, and you also show a willingness to help him with what he needs. If he senses from you that you care about his needs and wants, he is far more likely to show an interest in yours, and far more likely to feel less defensive about your marriage. It sounds like you have several different layers of problems in your marriage. Here's what
I've gathered: 1. He won't touch you sexually 2. You have very little communication 3. You feel no intimacy 4. He is bottling himself up, even going so far as to refuse you access to the family's finances. This is a multi-faceted problem, and seems linked to his need for control. In many issues like this, sexual problems follow because to share yourself sexually with someone is to give that person a certain level of control over you. You need to have a discussion about what he feels is a proper marriage relationship. Ask him where he wants the two of you to be in five years, or in ten years. How are you going to get there? If you have children, how does he want to raise them? If he won't talk to you about these things, then going to a counsellor is probably a very important idea. I am also very concerned about the lack of sharing of family finances. That's a big warning sign to me, and I think a third person probably needs to be involved. Additionally, if a man is not interested in sex, there's a strong likelihood he is getting sexual release some other way, either through pornography or masturbation. This is a hard topic to broach with him, but it's worth asking. If this is not the case, he likely has some deep-seated issues, probably stemming from his family of origin, which make any kind of lack of control or vulnerability too scary for him. It really sounds like he needs to see a counsellor. I don't know your situation, and I'm not sure how to get him to one, but if you contact your church or some other large churches in the area, they probably have some counsellors they could refer you to. And pray, pray, pray that he will go! Also, please, know that you are not to blame. You said in your letter that you have tried to dress sexy and get him to notice you, and he hasn't. It doesn't sound like this is an issue with you at all. I know you probably feel very rejected, but know that God will never reject you. This is not your fault. Pray that you can support your husband in being the kind of person that he is meant to be--freed to serve God rather than scared of life. If he won't go for counselling, you probably should just to have someone to talk to and discuss your options with him. This is a very difficult situation to be in, and you shouldn't work through it alone. 6. Is it wrong for a bride to expect from her husband in marriage what she received in courtship--such as common courtesy, cards every other day, compliments two and three times a day, I love you spoken to her every day?
When men are "courting", they do tend to try to impress their beloved. It's the thrill of the chase, and it seems to be hardwired into men's brains, if you look at cross-cultural studies. Men want to win their women.
But once they're married, they feel like they have accomplished that. And it's quite common for men to stop that. Should they? Well, we have to remember that now, in marriage, little gifts and cards have a different purpose. They're not to win a woman; they're to show her that he still values her as a person. It's to bring romance into a marriage, so that sex, for instance, is not merely a physical act, but an expression of the love that the couple feels for each other. When a man sends a card to his wife saying that he loves her, she knows that she is cherished. And that is something that is intrinsic to women's sex drives. They need to feel loved and secure in order to enjoy sex. So yes, it may be normal for men to stop sending little gifts. But it's still a good idea to continue doing it! I'm not sure if you're writing as the husband or the wife, because you didn't give your name, but let me just say that those gifts and cards shouldn't necessarily have to cost money. Sometimes the couple just doesn't have a lot of money to spare. Phone calls during the day, a little note written on regular notepaper, can be just as meaningful as a card that often costs $5.00. Expecting expensive gifts constantly may be beyond some couple's budgets. If you're the woman in the relationship, and you miss these things, here's what I would suggest. Sometime when you're getting along well with your spouse, sit him down and talk about how you want to make sure your marriage is as exciting as possible. Say that you want to make sure your husband feels loved, and you want to feel loved, too. Then get two pieces of paper and each of you write down 10 things the other person can do that are easy and free that will make you feel loved and cherished. Examples could be: write me a love note; give me a neck massage; kiss me before you do anything else when you arrive home; give the kids a bath so I can have a little time to myself; etc. Make sure they're easy enough that you could do one or two everyday. And then pledge to do that. If your husband can see how you work, and you can see how he works, then you're further ahead. If you're the man in the relationship, I would recommend doing the same thing. If your wife can see that you do want to show her love, that will help your relationship a lot. Now, your question about common courtesy is something else entirely. I am not sure exactly what you mean by this, but I think everybody in a marriage should expect that their spouses will show them respect. If your spouse is not, this is something you should talk about at a time when you're not upset and you can have a conversation about how to work out a solution, not how to make him feel badly. My last principle would be this: if you're really frustrated in a marriage, it's easy to blame the other person. They're the one who isn't doing what you expect. But remember that they may have entered the marriage with completely different expectations of what marriage is. Instead of focusing on whether or not your spouse is living up to your expectations, concentrate on how you can be a good spouse. When you focus on yourself, rather than your mate's shortcomings, your marriage is guaranteed to improve. This doesn't mean that you should accept abuse, rude or condescending behaviour, or anything harmful. Only that we can't change another person. We can change ourselves. And when we take the step to fix ourselves, often our spouse follows suit, especially when they no longer feel attacked.
7. My husband and I have been married for about 2 years. At first we were both happy with our sex life. Then we tried to start a family and had some fertility issues due to me. Now I have lost my sex drive. However he has not and he does not understand why I would not want to have sex. When we do have sex I feel forced and pressured to perform, and even if I do he is still not happy because I am not enthusiastic. What can we do?
I can sense your heartache in your message, and I know that you must really be hurting. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think , though, that are several different issues at play here, and I want to try to deal with them individually. First, it's quite natural for a woman's sex drive to be intertwined with her fertility. Sex is what creates kids, and when we find that it doesn't work that way, it can affect how we feel about everything to do with making love. I think you need to grieve your fertility, and take time to really deal with the grief in having difficulty conceiving. I'm not sure what your medical condition is, and if it may still be possible to get pregnant, but even if it is still in the realm of possibility, I know that the worry takes the spontanaeity out of making love and turns it into a task. Do you have anyone to talk to about your grief over not being able to conceive? Maybe a minister could help, or an older friend. God is always there to talk to, and even yell at, if you feel you need to. He will listen. Don't be upset if this process takes a while, either. Grief is always going to be with you to a certain extent. Just make sure that your husband knows that you are trying to work through it, and you're doing so that your marriage will get better! Once it's not quite so raw, you will find yourself at a crossroads. You now will need to decide what you want for the rest of your life. I'm sure you always envisioned your marriage with children which you were able to create together. If that isn't a possibility, what is left for the marriage? Let me suggest that you married your husband, not your future children, and if you fail to work on the marriage because you're heartbroken, it will make the heartache worse. Your husband is still there, and he loves you. He is the one who can support you through this ordeal that you will have to live with. That being said, what are you going to do to make sure that that support is there? That the marriage is as strong as it possibly can be so that you will be better able to deal with the issues that will arise over the next few years as you have to make important decisions about children. In other words, the best course of action you can take for your own well-being, as well as for your husband's, is to love him as much as you can. And love means action, it's not just a feeling. For women, affection is the necessity, and sex is the choice. For men, it's really the other way around. Their bodies are wired to truly need sex. It is how they experience love. If the sex isn't there, they don't feel connected to you. And they have to feel like you're there emotionally, and not just physically. Getting in the mood when everything feels pressured can be really difficult, but it's not impossible. There are ways that you can "train your brain" to see sex as a good thing again! Think about the fun times you have had with your husband. Concentrate on what you do want out of this relationship. Wear things that make you feel pretty. And dare yourself to make him feel really good. When you are thoroughly engaged during lovemaking, you'll probably feel much closer to him afterwards, too, because he will be much more affectionate. My book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood, also deals a lot with these questions. It might help you with some more practical suggestions. I hope this has helped, and I'll pray that your marriage will once again be really fulfilling!
8. My husband and I have been married just over a year. We are in our forties. Our sex life is not how it was when we first were married. Maybe once every week and a half to 2 weeks. We talk about it and he reassured me it is not me. He has had a physical. Is there anything i can do to help him?
I know how difficult it can be when things aren't seeming to gel in one's sex life, especially if it seems like he has the lower sex drive. Our culture portrays it as the other way around, so when men aren't interested, it's easy to take it personally.
Let me say that you are definitely not alone. In around 30% of marriages the woman has the higher sex drive than the man. So many women feel that you feel.
It could be that his sex drive really isn't that high, and this is as often as he wants sex. Let's go with that assumption first, and then I'll deal with some other possibilities.
If that is the case, then make sure that when he is interested it is an event. Really put your heart and soul into it and challenge yourself to give him as great a time as possible and show him that you really love him. Most men do experience love through sex, so he will feel closer to you after such an encounter.
You may also want to talk to him about scheduling sex every week and a half or so, just so that you don't feel like you're "bugging" him every night to see if he's in the mood, and risking rejection. Plan a date night, like a dinner out, where sex would naturally follow. Let it be a time when it's just the two of you all night, so that you can feel really close to him, and he to you. Of course, if he wants to make love more frequently, you can always say yes! But if the quantity is low, make sure the quality is high!
Now, let's move on to some other scenarios. I would make sure that your husband doesn't have any other kind of sexual outlet. Some men can have a decreased sex drive for their wives because they're watching a lot of pornography on the internet.
It's been shown that pornography lowers one's sex drive for one's spouse, and can be very damaging to one's sex drive. If this is the case, you need to have a frank discussion with him about how this habit is impacting your sex life. However, don't jump to conclusions. I just bring it up because it is a common problem today.
Also, many men of that age do go through quite a bit of stress. While we're accustomed to thinking about female menopause, men can have many hormonal fluctuations at middle age as well. The good news is that this does end! Also see if he's feeling stress from other areas of his life. The best way to help a husband through stress is just to support him and show him that you have confidence in him. If you try to solve any of his problems, he can easily believe that means that you think he's inadequate.
Finally, I just encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. Tell him you love him and that you want to experience that more often physically with him. Don't withhold love if he isn't willing or interested in making love more frequently, but do let him know how you feel.
I hope some of these ideas help!
9. There have been things that have happened in the marriage that have caused me to not trust my husband. He has apologized and admitted he was wrong but i cant let go and forgive. I want to. And I know that once i can release this anger and fully forgive we can be happy.How do i do this?
First, you have to be sure in your mind that the offense is truly in the past. For instance, if he had an affair, are you sure that this is not going on now? Has he demonstrated that he is committed to not doing it again? If not, then this is the issue that needs to be dealt with first if his infraction was something that could damage the marriage (like affairs, pornography use, or other addictions).
If, however, he has shown that he is sorry and has tried to show you that he won't do it again, the ball is now in your court. So let me say a few things about forgiveness.
First, remember that no matter what he did in the past, he can't make up for it now. There is no way for him to erase what happened. If you continue to hold it against him, it is like you are asking him to make up for it. You're asking for the impossible. At some point you have to realize that what is past is past, and you can't change it. You can't ask him to change it. It just is.
Second , if you keep your anger towards him, you end up punishing both of you. It is impossible to function as a unit and to have an intimate relationship if you are harbouring resentment for him.
So what do you want from your marriage? Do you want someone you can love and cherish who cherishes you back? Do you long to feel loved and unconditinally accepted? Then you need to work on achieving that in your marriage, and that means letting this go. You will never get what you want and yearn for if you stay angry.
Of course, it may not be fair that you forgive. Forgiveness never is fair. That's not the point. It is not that forgiveness is fair; it is that it is freeing. It frees both of you. He doesn't have to make up for the past, and you don't have to stay angry. You can both concentrate on the here and now and learn to love one another again.
Finally, if you're finding it hard to forgive, remember that someone has already paid the price. I don't know if your religious or not, but I believe that God already paid the price for all the rotten stuff that people do when Jesus died on the cross. If he's already paid for it, then someone has been punished. It wasn't your husband, but someone has paid. So your husband doesn't have to. He also paid for all the stuff you've done. He did it so that you could have a relationship with God without being hindered by all the sin and ugly stuff in our lives.
So if you ask God to help you understand how He has forgiven you, maybe you will also be able to extend that forgiveness to your husband.
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