The following is taken from a variety of students' essays over

the years, and combined by Richard Lederer. It was published in

Ann Landers' column on July 27, 2000, but I saw a copy about 15

years before that, so it's been circulating for a while now. So if you

ever wondered about the real story behind our civilization, here 

it is:

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of

Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons,

Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by

Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they

made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any

ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric

and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx

until he became intolerable. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran

races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The

reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous

Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel

tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the

Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard

Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged

twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through

an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church

door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a

horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. The painter

Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father

of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter

Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Francis Drake circumcised

the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William

Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet.

Miguel Cervantes wrote ``Donkey Hote.'' John Milton wrote

``Paradise Lost.'' Then, his wife died, and he wrote ``Paradise

Regained.''

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered

America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina,

the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English

put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity

by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790, and is still

dead.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable

in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach and

Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian

and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the

present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. Samuel

Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered

a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx

became one of the Marx Brothers.

Click here for more funny things kids say.